Episode 1: "In the Beginning...."

Look at the title of this post. See anything strange? Check it again. If you're not a grammar nerd like me, you may be surprised to learn that an ellipse is supposed to consist of three dots. The title card for this episode uses four. Insignificant? Maybe. But I like to think of it as the very first problem with the show. What's one more, after all? Trust me, we'll be racking up a LOT of them. As the title card fades out, a planet comes into view...

A planet which is just a still photo of the moon tinted orange, that is.

Fade in on an evil villain's lair, presumably on said planet, which we will later learn is called Moleculon. The big bad honcho himself has an alien visitor who delivers a clear piece of plastic with some etchings on it to him. This, somehow, is a map - to be precise, a map that shows "the focal point of the Power Portals," as the naughty overlord proclaims. He's quite pleased to receive this information and offers his delivery boy a tip in the form of some spaaaaaaaace treasure... but it's a fakeout! You see, somehow by looking at this five cent prop, our evildoer has determined his alien henchman has failed to kill someone known as "Nimbar." He decides instead to banish his servant to "forty years of a living death in the Stracchan toil mines!"

You know he's evil because he doesn't care that it's rude to point.

This lovely fellow, as we will learn later, is Emperor Gorganus. And he has an annoying little alien bird pet thing named Lechner who compliments him on the generosity of his punishment. If you've ever seen the Z-movie classic The Giant Claw, Lechner looks kind of like that monster crossed with Jabba the Hutt's little minion from Return of the Jedi. 

After zapping away his unnamed servant to a life of slavery, Gorganus gazes through a magnifying glass lens mounted on a movable arm like a dental instrument and spies Earth. He exclaims this planet is the key to his conquest of the galaxy, as it is the focal point of those portals he just mentioned a minute ago. But who to use to conquer the Earth now that his previous minion has failed him? Gorganus rubs his chin and comes up with the perfect solution. He declares his champion shall be... "Ninjabot, the samurai robot!"

Yes, really. Apparently the writers didn't realize ninjas and samurai are two very different things. It's all stupid Japanese crap anyway, right?

Anyway, with that magic pointer finger of his, Gorganus summons a really crappy-looking model of the monster from a glass pedestal with some dry ice fog around it.

It was actually his grandson's arts - n - crafts project from space summer camp.

With another finger zap he teleports Ninjabot to Earth - or, specifically, some mostly-empty desert on Earth. Because obviously the best, quickest way to conquer a planet is by sending your warrior to a dry, deserted patch of land no one cares about. Ninjabot goes on a "rampage," by which I mean he sets a telephone pole on fire with an energy blast from his sword, cuts a rock in half, and then starts a pathetically small fire at what looks like a crappy model of a power plant.

Meanwhile, in a Beverly Hills hangout called Cafe Maison - which is literally just French for "coffee house" - a bespectacled high school student named Swinton is being scolded by his father for refusing to work with others on a group assignment for physics class. Swinton's father warns him that if he never learns to work with others and make friends, he'll wind up living alone in the desert taking photos of giant samurainja robots, like some he happens to have with him (apparently he's some sort of newspaper or magazine publisher and a "usually reliable source" has sent them in).

Swinton is still reluctant, especially with the team he's been assigned. Not only are Gordon, Drew and Laurie not dedicated physics majors (GASP!), but he worries Gordon is "only concerned about his image," Drew is "out to lunch," and Laurie is a cheerleader (DOUBLE GASP!). But his dad just doesn't see the problem.

Flash forward to Saturday, where Gordon, Drew, and Laurie are assembled at Drew's pool house waiting for Swinton to arrive. He arrives carrying what looks like something the prop department threw together in five minutes, and also like a terrible fire hazard. Seeing this mess of wires and circuit boards flimsily attached to a plank of wood, Laurie concludes he's finished to project on his own, to which he admits. Gordon, after calling Swinton an "egghead geek," inquires as to what the project does and manages to spill a drink on it, causing it to short-circuit and fire off an energy blast that opens an incredible mystic portal in midair!

I don't think they're trying very hard with this new Stargate spinoff, guys.

The teens are shocked, most of all Swinton, who insists that his device was just supposed to measure secondhand smoke. Drew, our "out to lunch" blonde in the leather jacket, thinks it's cool and immediately decides to walk up and touch it. When the others protest, she decides the best course of action is just to leap straight into it. The others hesitantly follow, and they find themselves in A MAGICAL PLACE OUT OF SPACE AND TIME!!!!

By which I mean a cheap cave set with a fog machine on. Which happens to be home to a giant space-loogie on a pedestal.

Truly an inspiring figure of intergalactic justice.

The gross glob identifies himself as that Nimbar fellow we've been hearing so much about. He reveals he summoned the teens on purpose through one of the Power Portals he guards. So, now - maybe it's a fool's errand to question the logic of a show that's just a cheaper knockoff of a kids' karate show known primarily for making no damn sense, but play along with me here. If Nimbar summoned them on purpose through a pre-existing portal, what was the purpose of the accident with the science project? It CLEARLY fired off a beam right before the portal opened. Was that just a perfectly-timed coincidence, or did Nimbar telekinetically force Gordon to spill the drink on it so this would happen? Does he control us like puppets without our awareness? Is all free will just a lie? Does this explain why I'm wasting my time watching and writing about this show?

Whew, that got heavy for a second. Anyway, Nimbar explains the threat of Emperor Gorganus and his evil plans to conquer Earth with space mercenary monsters, which will allow him to teleport through the Power Portals and conquer the galaxy. Nimbar also drops the tidbit of backstory that Gorganus had previously destroyed his home planet. 

One of the interesting things about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers premiere was that the Rangers were overwhelmed and weirded out by Zordon's explanation of himself and the threat to the world. This set of teens, however, immediately trusts the giant glob of mucus and takes everything he says at face value. Swinton suggests calling in the army - because apparently he thinks the military will just immediately believe all this nonsense the same way he did - but Nimbar warns him that Earth's military is no match for the alien mercenaries. I mean, did you SEE that ninjamurai robot set that telephone pole on fire? Truly it is a more destructive force than the H-bomb.

Nimbar goes on to explain his solution: he's summoned these four teens to become "Galactic Sentinels," the alien-fighting warriors who will defend the planet. He reaches a slimy hand-like protrusion out of his gelatinous mass and rubs a finger on each of their wrists, endowing them with glowing "tattoos" that are apparently the mark of the Order of Galactic Sentinels.

For all we know, that's his dick and this is actually some kind of exotic space-STD.

Nimbar explains the tattoos will only be visible when he activates them to call on the teens to go into battle, so they don't need to worry about their parents freaking out. Then he shows them the evil Ninjabot on his quote-unqoute "rampage" via a magic holographic viewing screen that appears in midair. Swinton is shocked and terrified they're supposed to fight such a menacing opponent, but Nimbar reassures them they were handpicked for their potential to work well together. They counter that they're not friends, and Swinton doesn't even take P.E. class, so there's no way for them to be a team of superheroes. 

Not to worry, though! The "Transo-Discs" - a set of four circular pedestals in the cave they are meant to stand on - will not only transform them into their Galactic Sentinel forms, but will instantly imbue them with all the knowledge and fighting skill of the Sentinels that came before them. Each of them will use the power of the constellation astrologically associated with their personality traits. Strong, dependable, and a follower of rules, Gordon is Taurus. Innovative, bright, and the maker of new rules, Swinton is Apollo. Drew, independent and the breaker of rules, is Centaur. And Laurie, the cheerleader who brings everyone together, is Scorpio.

Now, believe me, I won't be giving this show credit for much of anything, but this setup is actually a bit more believable than the Power Rangers system of recruiting five teenagers who are vastly different (at least as far as their shallow characterization allows) but somehow already friends and just trusting them to know karate, or at least be able to build a flying car. While it's another inexplicable coincidence that Nimbar just happened to pair together the exact same team as the physics teacher, it's interesting - in theory - to force together a group of kids who barely know each other and make them fight monsters together.

The teens step on the Transo-Discs, and, as instructed by Nimbar, shout out the names of their constellations. In a flurry of the most impressive visual effects $5 and a double cheeseburger can buy, they transform into the mighty Galactic Sentinels! By which I mean they're replaced by a group of buff, oiled-up stuntpeople in absolutely hideous costumes that look like they were rejected from a pro wrestling show targeted at kindergartners.

Or maybe it's just pastel-colored fetish gear?

Notice how Swinton, the yellow one, has one of his suit's arms still attached while everyone else has both of theirs cut off? Don't get used to it. In all future episodes, his outfit will be sleeveless like everyone else's. Maybe this was an intentional design choice they decided not to go with after shooting the pilot, but it's much more fun for me to imagine that this thing was so rushed the costume department literally ran out of time or just forgot to cut off one of the arms.

The Sentinels, in their poorly-dubbed over teenager voices, marvel at their bodies as they flex and pose. Then they're immediately teleported into a different soundstage the desert. Though it's never explained or even acknowledged, they also grow giant when they teleport. Unlike Power Rangers, this show doesn't have human-sized monsters or giant robots; the Sentinels simply grow really big and fight the monsters that way.

I'm not going to describe the fight in detail, but rest assured it's completely awful. While the Sentinels are certainly more ripped than the Power Rangers, they don't seem to have any of the martial arts skill - though admittedly this could just be down to terrible battle choreography. The fight mostly consists of the heroes jumping over attacks Ninjabot thoughtfully fires directly at their feet, with the occasional gymnastics move like a backflip or midair splits and a kick or punch every now and again. Some of this is shown in horribly choppy post-production slow motion.

Can someone tell me what about this costume screams "robot?"

Eventually the Sentinels summon their unnamed weapons, and even though they're all silver melee weapons, they're used exclusively to shoot color-coded laser blasts at Ninjabot until he just kind of falls over. Back up on Moleculon, Gorganus is watching the battle through his magnifying glass thingy. Shocked and angered at the sight of Galactic Sentinels, he remotely increases Ninjabot's power by shooting bolts of energy out of his finger, apparently all the way down to Earth.

Ninjabot leaps back onto his feet and vaporizes the Sentinels' weapons with lightning from his sword. Laurie calls for the team to "form Knightron." Earlier in the episode Nimbar had a line about how the disparate teens could come together to form a "powerful warrior," but at the time he was talking about teamwork and it seemed like a metaphor. Nope! It turns out the Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills counterpart to the Megazord is for the four Sentinels to literally merge into a single being, a guy in a dime store Halloween knight costume with a sword and shield.

With cosmic armor as durable as store-brand aluminum foil!

Nimbar instructs Knightron to use "Megacalibur," which is "the most powerful sword in the universe!" There's a very, very brief and unimpressive battle that ends, once again, with our hero just shooting a laser beam out of their melee weapon because it's easier than planning and filming an actual fight. Ninjabot is seemingly destroyed, and the Sentinels teleport back to Nimbar's lair, transforming back to normal teens in the process.

The group is ecstatic about their experience, and Laurie gushes about how she can't wait to tell all of her friends, who certainly won't have her shipped off to an insane asylum once she starts babbling about turning into a steroid abuser and then merging with three other weightlifters to form a giant ancient Englishman. But Nimbar tells them their identities must remain a secret, because if Gorganus were to discover who they really were, he would just kill them while they weren't in Sentinel mode.

Again, I have to begrudgingly admit this makes more sense than Power Rangers, where Rita Repulsa immediately knows who the Rangers really are and yet never just sends a monster to kill them in their sleep, and the teens still need to keep their identities a secret from everyone else on Earth because reasons.

Drew expresses how easy their new monster-slaying job will be when they can just "form Knightron and kick butt," but Nimbar warns that Knightron must be used sparingly as a last resort because his power is "finite." Not that he goes into any detail about why that is or what happens if they use him too often, but hey, the episode's almost over. After explaining that their tattoos will flash and a Power Portal will open nearby whenever he needs them, Nimbar teleports the teens back home.

Back on Moleculon, Lechner tells Gorganus that Ninjabot is "ready for the junk heap," but Gorganus reveals he plans to upgrade him and use him again later. This is one of the other major differences from Power Rangers - on that show, there's a new monster almost every episode, and they're rarely reused. But since Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills doesn't have a Japanese show to borrow footage and monster costumes from, and was presumably funded entirely through middle school bake sales, it has a grand total of ten unique monsters to spread across its forty episodes, meaning reappearances are frequent. It takes away a lot of the fun when the heroes face off against the same unimaginative enemies time after time.

Back at the coffee house, the teens sit together and discuss what to do going forward - in a crowded public place, so great job with that secret identity thing - when Swinton's dad comes in and is happy to see them apparently working well together. He offers to take them all out to dinner at a new restaurant, and also informs Swinton that the Ninjabot photos he had from the desert turned out to be fakes. Which they obviously weren't, but whatever.

This place is no Central Perk, that's for sure.

Swinton's dad gets a page (ahh the 90s) and has to leave for a moment. This leaves the teens more time to talk strategy, and they decide they shouldn't start hanging out together in school so that people won't get suspicious of their sudden friendship. Again, a good, perfectly sensible idea in theory, but as we'll see going forward, it's a rule they interpret fairly loosely.

Just as Swinton's dad returns, the teens' tattoos flash and they all need to make up quick excuses for why they can't go. Luckily, Swinton's dad gets paged again, so it doesn't really matter. The episode ends with a title drop as - again, in the middle of a crowded coffee house and not at all in a whisper - the teens declare themselves the Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills.

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Overall, this is a pretty terrible start to the series, which is to be expected when it's leading down into such an abyss. Everything about the show feels cheap and uninspired, and the sense of fun Power Rangers exudes is really nowhere to be found. This is just a blatant, sloppy cash-in, and while the actors at least seem to be having fun, there's precious little charm or entertainment in watching them. The story does attempt to avoid some of the plot holes its obvious inspiration left wide open, but trust me when I say coherency is not going to be one of this show's precious few strong suits. After sitting through this, you'd have to be a pretty special kind of crazy to want to see more. Luckily(?), I'm apparently that guy!